They Say Life's A Journey

I will instruct you, and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

My mom and I had a good ol' heart to heart the other night. Ya see, I'm still sort of in this weird in between stage in life. That time where you're officially done with school, officially considered an "adult" and yet officially...you still have no idea what you're doing. It's like people expect you to be an adult with all the crummy things like bills and responsibilities and work, and yet no one takes you seriously with all the cool things like your opinion, decisions, or advice.

But I guess that's the name of the game. So, you know, I think I'm okay with it. Varsity wouldn't be as awesome if you didn't have to work you're way to the top, right? There is just as much joy in the journey as the destination...and who wants to be an adult anyway? Once you're fully taken seriously, then that means you're full of wisdom, and to be full of wisdom you have to be old. Soooo I think I'm okay staying young for a bit.

Alriiight that was a rabbit trail, and I think I just invalidated everyone who says I am "wise beyond my years." (hopefully you detect me being dramatic and sarcastic above, I don't actually think you have to be old to be wise...who decides what is "old" anyways?)

ANYWAY the truth is, my mom and I had this heart to heart because I wanted to seek her approval. It almost felt like I was asking for her permission to get married, but instead was asking if I would receive her blessing to pursue a possible international ministry project.

Now, okay here's the thing. It's not like this comes as a complete surprise or anything. Obviously, international missions is something that has been on my heart for awhile now. Something I've already participated in. Something I've been to school for. BUT under certain circumstances there has been some apprehension as to when I should pursue a commitment to this particular type of work.

Well you know what she said?

Without hesitation, she said that she would support me wherever I felt God was leading and that she trusted me because she trusted the One who she knew I was following. What faith! I don't even know if I have that much confidence within myself and so to hear that just blew me away.

But there's a greater message to all of this. 

As she gave me her blessing she explained just why she was so quick to encourage me on my journey. She reminded me that God guides everyone down unique paths, and we are commanded to love and support people down those different paths. I realized in that moment, while experiencing first-hand my mom's compassion, that this is definitely an area where I have fallen short.

You see, I tend to think pretty black and white..I'm a "Paul," I like to lay it out for people. Here is Step 1, Step 2, Step 3...but it's not always as easy as 3 steps is it? (Though, boy, I wish it were) No because while we mean well...we can't always advise people from our bias perspective. We don't always have the answers. We can try to put on other people's lenses, we can try to walk a mile in their shoes, but we can't ever fully understand and we'll never fully be able to understand where they are in their walk with God either.

I don't want to be known as someone who is condemning. Challenging? Yes. But not condemning. I don't want to be seen as someone who lacks compassion. Or who fails to love, support, and accept people right where they're at. Of course I still believe in mentors and discipleship and accountability and all that jazz; all of that is just fine and dandy. I still believe in confronting believers when the Spirit leads you that way. I still believe in the commandments of the Bible, that "love means that we live by doing what he commands" (2 John 6).

But I guess I just feel that first and foremost we are to love others. To extend compassion to those who are on their own unique journey. Not condemn those who have a different passion then ours. Not judge those who may desire marriage and kids over a career. Not label those who stay in their hometowns as "complacent" or "safe."

I'm guilty of all these things. 

Yet it took someone extending compassion to me, in the midst of many who were pressuring and judging me in my convictions. Not trusting me when I told them that I am going to God daily asking for direction and discernment - wanting HIS will to be done, and not my own. They were trying to tell me that I need to do Step 1, Step 2, Step 3. I think we need to be careful with that fine line between seeking accountability and wisdom, and trying to please man over God. I'm learning it's a very difficult thing to have to turn away from people at times, especially those who you hold close and dearly love, but ultimately I answer to God first and I always will.

We all may think there is a right way and a wrong way, and you know sometimes there is... But sometimes, people just need love and encouragement, need to be directed to seek Jesus who is the true Shepherd, need compassion right where they're at, and need support within their unique journey towards righteousness.

I'm excited for my journey and I'm excited about others' journeys. I'm glad that all of our lives are different. We so often fight that but it's truly what makes life so beautiful! Our different quarks and talents, jobs and lifestyles, timelines and journeys all act as the BEST examples of how beautiful our God is, how many different ways He works, how diverse are the people He equips, and how unique are His avenues to do so.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. 1 Corinthians 12:4:4-6

The Humble Story of Christmas

So I'm sitting here at the end of a very merry Christmas and reflecting on the holiday which is so full of family and friends, love and joy, gifts and thanksgiving. I think it's difficult for anyone to remember the "reason for the season" in the midst of all the shopping, lights, and carols. Not to say all of the hoopla isn't enjoyable - because it definitely is! Yet even for those who genuinely desire to place Jesus at the center of the season, who want to genuinely worship at the Christmas Eve service - well it's still just difficult. I can't really describe why. I mean maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the familiarity of it all, the distractions, or even just all the excitement of reunions and family that can bring me away from remembering that ALL of this - the lights, the gifts, the food - is all to commemorate how God brought His son to transform the world.

I was reflecting on that this morning. No one in my family bothers to wake up early now that we're older and there are no children in the family [for now - baby Caleb will be here any day now!! :)]. I'm the oddball in that I prefer early mornings and despise procrastination in a family who lives for late nights, later mornings, and last-minute shopping. So in the quiet of the morning I was spending precious time with the Lord, reflecting on the holiday and the story of Jesus.

And this is what I realized.

Maybe it's hard to truly remember the birth of Jesus during Christmas because the way we celebrate is the complete opposite to how God chose for it all to go down.

I know we've all heard it. We've all heard the story. We've sang the carols. We've watched the church plays and gazed at nativity scenes. But really, if you stop and think about it...the story of Jesus is really stinkin cool. It is just SUCH a story of humility. A story of how God chose the unexpected, young, and willing Mary to carry His Son who would change the world forever. He chose the faithful Joseph to be the earthly father of His Son, the Messiah. He allowed those who were obedient and ready to experience that day when Jesus was born into the world. He chose the humble setting of a manger - so simple that only a few knew of the birth that would change the world...forever.

Now, millions celebrate baby Jesus, or at least the holiday that commemorates that day. Yet we make the occasion so extravagant, we bury Jesus under the twinkling lights and over-the-top parties. But when you look at the story of Jesus, the "Christmas Story" you see something very different. Generations had prophesied about this Messiah who would come and change the course of history, many expected things to be over-the-top, maybe they expected the kind of celebration we now traditionally have to remember this birth. But God did not lay out the story to be this way. He chose simple, He chose difficult.

Then there's Mary and Joseph.

They had to suffer on a long journey. They had to face rejection and loneliness as they traveled far from their families. Their circumstance led them to look to God for comfort and reassurance, it allowed for God to equip them as they brought Jesus into the world in a strange place with nothing. I mean for pete's sake, Mary made a manger out of straw!

But then...their faithfulness in that difficult place was rewarded when those who God chose to experience baby Jesus came with gifts and worshiped.

Man, isn't that what it's about?

To be willing to follow God no matter what that means like Mary and Joseph, and to trust that He will be with you. Taking the long journey, facing the hardship and times of loneliness, allowing God to equip and provide for you, and experiencing how your obedience can draw others in to come and worship Jesus.

That is the reward. 

Not monetary gain or a bigger mansion in Heaven. The reward is experiencing when God is brought greater glory and experiencing how God chose and used YOU to accomplish that. Despite your inadequacies, He chose you. Mary and Joseph didn't receive the praise that night, but they received the reward of sharing in the righteousness of God. Their reward came when they were chosen to play a part of the story of Jesus - His birth, and later His death and resurrection. They were part of the transformation of the world.

It's personal transformation and being chosen to play a role in the transformation of others for the glory of God - which is the greatest gift of all.

Falling Towards Jesus

So someone asked me the other day if I had ever fallen flat on my face. I sort of laughed to myself, because well...for one I had just journaled about how MUCH I seem to fall flat on my face and two it seems to happen so often that I almost found the question silly. We don't seem to think it's very silly when it happens though do we? We're usually our harshest critics and sometimes we fail to extend the same compassion to ourselves as we do to others.

Every morning, I usually journal or write out my prayers. There is just something about it that helps me channel into being fully present with God. If I am focused on writing, my mind cannot wander in a million different directions like it normally tends to do.

So maybe some of y'all know that I'm in this process of recovery for this thing that I don't openly talk about, haha. That sounds so silly! But I do like to maintain SOME privacy. Anyway, there is so much I'm learning just in this PROCESS though that I feel so aligns with life and struggles that we encounter in our faith.

I thought I'd share a piece of my journal with you all. Within it you might see that 1. I allow perfectionism and religiosity to trap me into guilt and shame even within my walk with God 2. That I have become pretty good at falling on my face 3. That even through it all, this process of peaks and valleys still draws me more intimate with the One who matters and for that I remain truly grateful.

December 11, 2013

7:15am 

I didn't spend time with Jesus yesterday. I know that God still loves me and I've gotten wrapped up in religiosity if I consider myself a failure for missing ONE quiet time. It's just, I even had the time to do it.. but instead chose to fall flat on my face - without wanting to consult God, just wanting to regain my control. Sigh. How I so hoped for miraculous healing, how I still hope for that at times - but I think I know why God is taking me down a process of ups and downs within my recovery journey. It's such a direct reflection of life. I mean, we know that life is a series of mountains and valleys, right? We are told to EXPECT struggles and hardships. And yet we so easily forget that God is sovereign, that a valley will one day lead to a mountain. That a summit is promised for the future where He awaits and we will be united with Him. Forever victorious, we'll stand with Jesus and look down at the series of mountains and valleys that brought us closer to the very likeness of God and all of which came together for His glory. ALL of the journey was used for our good and His Kingdom, all were part of the journey that led to the summit, to eternity with a God who was with us through it all, and who we now get to enjoy in fullness. We are told to rejoice in the process, in the hardships, in the blessings and the pain. 

...Do we really though? I mean yeah it's wa-hay easier said than done. Our reaction is more often frustration and doubts, complaints and hurt. My goodness, I am grateful that God always takes me back. That just like the prodigal son's father ran to him with open arms, delighted in his return, God hurts when I stray from Him and rejoices when I return. Wow, I need daily grace. So desperately. I am pretty perfect at being imperfect (though I try to not allow others to see that). Instead, don't I really make an effort to try and make my life seem perfect? We all sort of do. We all post the best pictures, of the best times, at our happiest moments. Obviously, it is polite to be socially acceptable but with all this media stuff sometimes I think we take it too far. We allow others to fall into envy or feelings of discontent off of our fake perfection. But anyway...I've gotten pretty good at falling flat on my face. Yet I realized...how much easier is it to fall on your knees before Jesus when you're on the ground already? It's often in that place that I experience the greatest intimacy with Jesus versus that higher place of perfection and pride. So if getting to that intimate place means falling on my face often, well...then so be it. I'll just get up again and fall more and more towards Jesus. 

"Dear friends, don't be surprised by the fiery troubles that are coming in order to test you. Don't feel as though something strange is happening to you, but be happy as you share Christ's sufferings. Then you will also be full of joy when he appears again in his glory" 1 Peter 3:12-13

Precious God, I thank you. I just thank You for this process. For breaking me down and building me up. For engulfing me with Your intimate love within every valley and every mountain. I often cannot see what lies ahead, but I trust You. I trust that You will work all of this out for good as You have promised for the one who truly loves You. And I do Lord, I truly do. So I just thank you again, for Your daily grace that I so desperately need. I thank You for the tests which draw me closer to Your very heart, deeper in my compassion for Your people, hungry for more and more and more of You. I surrender it to You God, all of it. The process, the worries I carry, the hurt and the anger and the frustration. I am not meant to walk through this alone, so forgive me for times that I try to. For times that I allow my stubbornness and want of control to abandon the pure truth that I need You. So so desperately. My God, who am I that You would run to me with open arms? That you would hug and kiss me after all the times I have failed You? I don't know if I'll ever understand why you do it, but I know that You do. I remain in awe that You do. You sent Your son to suffer for man and as I follow His lead I will joyfully expect the same suffering. Place in me a heart of gladness and genuine joy in that suffering. That I may experience the sweet goodness of Jesus, of the cross, of the victory that awaits for me in eternity. I place my trust in Your sovereign and mighty plan. I love You and I praise You. Amen. 

Abundance & Poverty

Woohoo it's Christmas time! Where life is merry and jolly and bright. I'm going to be honest I love the Christmas decorations and songs just as must as the next person. The Lord has brought me to a precious time in my life lately. It's been 6 months since I've been back in America and my time has been a mixed emotion of joy and deep conviction. My mom will probably roll her eyes if she reads this because I've talked to her about it so much, and it just so happens that the Sunday message covered this very conviction. The conviction of just how difficult it is to live in a culture of abundance.

"I believe that God is in control, yes, but I also believe I have a choice: I can follow Him or I can turn my back on Him. I can say yes to Him, or I can say no. I can go to the hard places or I can remain comfortable. And if I remain comfortable, God who loves us unconditionally will continue to love me anyway. I may still see His glory revealed in my life and recognize His blessings, but not like I could have." - Katie Davis

Disobedience plagues our culture, stuff clouds our ability to hear the voice of God. Sure the Lord will still be with us, He will walk with us down the path that we chose, but our disobedience can still cause us to miss out on the incredible life we could have had if we had chosen God's best for us and not our best for us.

I have been called to be a vocational missionary. I know it. I think I've known it for awhile now, but for a time I tried to negotiate with God. I tried to combine my desires with God's desires, a sort of half-obedience if you will..."Well, maybe I could still live in America and just work for a missions organization." "Well, I mean I still want to utilize my education right? I should build up my savings first." "Well, I'll go once I'm married and once I have life figured out (ha! as if that's even possible)." If you've ever hung out with me you have most likely heard me say something like this at some point. I wanted to justify my selfish desires. I wanted to gain the approval of friends and family who want to see me find "success" (whatever that means). I wanted to follow this American dream and timeline that I often feel pressured to follow. I wanted to trust God with the big picture but take the small details into my own hands.

So I had to stop and I had to remember that God is above it all - He's above this timeline I've placed on my life, He's above this American dream, He's even above my friends and family (though you know I love y'all). I first felt called to ministry and missions three years ago when I was humbled to a point of complete surrender. God had brought me to my breaking point. I had fallen away and I was just done. In that place, my humility and brokenness finally opened my mind and body for God's Spirit to enter in and use me.

"Humble yourselves in the Lord's presence. Then He will give you a high position" James 4:10 

I don't think it's any coincidence that God repeatedly chose the most humble and unexpected people to do His work. Moses - a murderer turned lowly shepherd, Jonah - an ordinary fisherman, Mary - a peasant girl, Rahab - a prostitute. God didn't just choose these people to shock everyone (though it did), He chose them because it is in a place of humility that we can come to surrender to God's power and His will and His words and actions which can move mountains through us. I would be weary of a pastor who claims to have it all together - because it's not the prideful that the Lord can equip. Pride acts as one of the greatest barriers to the Holy Spirit. Are you comfortable? Secure? Confident in what you've got to offer? Clap, clap, clap...

Okay that might sound harsh but it's only because I do desperately want others to see that the very things the world applauds are the very things that stand in the way of us experiencing God to the fullest and experiencing HIS best for us! This is a hard world to live in. I know. Scripture warns us of that. We are to expect that. But I believe the things that are tough in the world are not all the things we acknowledge to be tough - like poverty, war, corruption, terrorism... no, even non-believers can see that these things are bad.

No, I believe what is worse are the the things that are not as clearly identified or openly talked about. The very things that keep us spiritually impoverished and separate us from experiencing the fullness of a saving God. Things like envy - staring at a computer and wanting what others have; greed - not just want of fortune but even want of security - 401k, retirement plans, all our money tucked away in savings to keep us secure and safe while millions suffer from malnutrition and limited access to healthcare. We want to save all of our money so we can enjoy long vacations and be worry free. We want to keep OUR right of OUR money, OUR control of OUR money. But it's not our money is it? It's God's money. You know this right? Are you acting as if it's not your own? Or is it mostly going towards things for you? I'm sorry if I seem to be guilt-tripping, but you know what...I am. Because well America needs to be guilt-tripped. You can hold onto your material wealth and experience spiritual poverty OR give your resources for Kingdom work and experience the very heart of God. You choose. But I'm not going to choose to pretend that it's okay. That the abundance of our nation and the spiritual death we're experiencing is okay. Because, well, it's just not.

OKAY, so to extend some grace here I can imagine that if you have been in a place where all you know is comfort of material wealth then I can see how difficult it would be to make a decision to devote more of your finances to Kingdom work and less to personal stuff. I get it. It would be scary. But Scripture says repeatedly "Do not fear." You think God says that to encourage those who are comfortable? That just makes no sense. No, He says it because He knows that His children who truly follow Him will indeed face situations that evoke fear. It's in those places that He meets us. I 100% promise that intimacy with God - I mean a real, all-consuming relationship with Jesus, almost always requires us to sacrifice and to be in a place of discomfort; but IT IS WORTH IT. The half-intimacy with God that we settle for - the lifestyle that we try to compromise, to have both God and the world, both comfort and the blessings of God; will eventually break down our soul, and it's really just not worth it to hold onto things that are guaranteed to fade away. You will miss out on the best God has for you. Oh he'll still met you there, will still love and forgive you by His kindness...but you will miss out.

All that being said, I know that God has again brought me to a place of brokenness and humility to bring me back to the best He has for me. Three years ago I was there, I said "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Then slowly I began to justify, I made excuses because of my fears, built up pride that came even in ministry (oh yeah, that happens). Then it all came crashing down and I was reminded of truth. I was brought back to a place of surrender: "God take it all, use me because I am no good without you." Not to say that mission work is the highest calling. I believe God's best for you can be a variety of jobs and fields. Do I believe you must be called to be a vocational missionary? Yes. Do I believe many more are called than are actually going? Yes.

"...Yet you don't know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” James 4:14-15

Life is tough. Stuff distracts us. We face envy and pride and want of security - dangers which keep us from spiritual intimacy with the one true God. If God hasn't brought you to a place of complete brokenness to see the things that keep you from His best for you, I pray that He will. I'm going to pray that He allows for circumstances in your life that will bring you to your knees and will help you realize you are nothing without God. That you will be brought to a place where all you want is the best that He has for you - no matter what that means and whatever changes that means for your life. That is the kind of life that will bring God glory, not you, not me, but Him. And that's where the glory belongs.

Life on Mission

That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the Living God, who is the Savior of all people, and especially of those who believe. 1 Timothy 4:10

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. Proverbs 14:23

Man oh man. Life has been cuh-razy on a whole other level. I leave the house at 6:30 each morning and usually get home anywhere from 8-10 each evening. Woohoo life!

I'm loving my job (I get to advocate for orphaned children every day, say whaat?!), and I am loving Austin and the new friends I have made and the old ones with whom I have re-connected.... I'm not gonna lie though, it has been nothing short of a challenge to figure out this life tango. I 100% believe that we are all missionaries. I believe that God has a beautiful, unique way to use each of us right here, right now, right where we are. I believe that He can use me in incredible ways as a working 22 year-old, in Austin, Texas.

What I am realizing though is that life on mission is definitely a task! You might be a natural at it and can take it easy and have relationships just fall into your lap. If so, this does not apply to you...but for me, even as a moderate extrovert I am finding that it takes some serious WORK to live on mission. It takes effort to set up time for coffee, dinner dates, service, community, and of course the absolute necessary time set-aside for self-care and intimacy with Jesus. Throw in full-time work and 5 o'clock rush-hour traffic and there are just not enough hours in the day people! I now truly understand why people are deprived of sleep!

Okay so I'm not saying everyone's lives should be crazy if you're living for Jesus. I definitely believe you must care for yourself in order to care for others and the amount of that self-care varies for each person. However, I do believe there is a slight problem with disobedience in our culture. I've seen it and I've been a part of it. The reaction to busyness is that you paralyze yourself and don't do anything at all or you allow the crazies of life to get you super-duper overwhelmed and stressed. I, of course, lean towards the latter. With all the craziness, I still managed to find time to worry about the timeline of my life. I found myself asking God - how long will I be here do you think? Do you want me to go to seminary or stay here? When should I commission for the field? And of course - when are ya gonna bring that guy so I can stop worrying about all that stuff? So here I am with all my questions wanting to know tomorrow TODAY.

Okay quick detour in regards to the last point...I met with the sweetest student missionary who just finished her two-year term with the International Mission Board and this topic got brought up. She was like "Girl, I want to tell you a story. My sweet friend felt God calling her to a 2-year missions project on the field right out of college. However, she was so worried that if she left she wouldn't ever find her husband so she decided not to go. Well...she didn't end up getting married until she was 39. My other friend obediently served 2 years in the Middle East. While there, she found her husband, an amazing and attractive Christian man on the field. In the Middle East! She was completely covered, all you could see were her eyes!!" Haha, I loved these stories. What a reminder. Ladies - God has got this. We need to focus on being obedient now, within our singleness.

So I'm driving home one day (Praise God for KLOVE and Spirit 105.9 with all the time I spend in my car)
and Casting Crowns' new song comes on:
From where You're standing Lord, You see a grand design. 
That You imagined when You breathed me into life,
And all the chaos comes together in Your hands like a masterpiece of Your picture perfect plan.
When I'm lost in the mystery to you my future is a memory, 
Cause You're already there, You're already there,
Standing at the end of my life, waiting on the other side and 
You're already there, You're already there!

My goodness what a reminder! This life is not my own and this place is not my home - and the reason I live this life on mission is ultimately to love others in Jesus' Name and to bring Him glory. Scripture commands us to work in excellence and to work hard - because being a Christian is not easy! Not just with the spiritual warfare that goes on as Satan attacks strong believers, but because it does take WORK to truly love others and live a life on mission for the Gospel of God. If you do not feel like you are working hard - then it is probably something you need to evaluate. The Holy Spirit desires to use you and He will instill a desire in you to go in whatever direction God wants you to go, but it will take work and it might not be "convenient" or "easy" or "comfortable" but it is what we are to do in obedience. 

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. Matthew 5:16

A lot of times on my break I just want to surf the internet and tune life out - but my goodness how much more fruitful are the times that I am intentional with other co-workers during that time. When I talk about myself you bet Jesus is coming up. If your co-workers don't know you are a Christian, you might want to consider why that is. Jesus is my identity, my Father, my best friend, my most amazing lover - you bet He comes up. If a relationship, a hobby, or a recent drama comes up - why wouldn't Jesus? You're not making people uncomfortable, you're telling your own story - and if you're a believer, your story should include Jesus.

Okay as a disclaimer, I don't want this to come off sounding like you need to do A, B, and C to be a good Christian. If it's coming across like I mean it that way then I apologize. What I DO mean is that when you are spending time with the Lord and in a intimate relationship with the Lord throughout the day - A, B, and C will happen. Jesus equips if we allow Him to. When we surrender to the Holy Spirit the outcome is not just us doing our own thing and living a life of ease and total comfort. When we surrender to the Spirit there will be a life FULL of work and relationships and worship and hardship and frustration and absolute joy! It might seem sort of messy at times, but ultimately when it is all out of obedience to the Spirit of God and to the mission of spreading the Gospel - the Lord will most definitely be pleased.

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 
Colossians 2:23-24

Choosing an Attitude of Gratitude

Okay, there's been a lot going on. I'm going to just throw out an apology to anyone who has been confused about this "treatment" I speak of or who was left in the dark completely. I'll go ahead and apologize again because I'm not going to explain everything in this blog either. I've actually prayed about all of this. How much do we allow others in? How many do we allow in?

Anyway, so I've decided that though I believe vulnerability and authenticity is super important - I still believe there is a balance to be struck. After all, aren't our most cherished relationships the ones that we have with a handful of people who we deeply know and who we allow to deeply know us? If I shared everything to everyone I would be taking away the beauty of those unique relationships and I don't think I prefer that.

I still believe in authenticity though - so for those who don't know I have been in a treatment program for the past month. This process has been...hard. I wish there were better descriptive words! Sometimes words just can't describe certain situations. Even if there were, many would probably only reach a certain level of understanding; and even for others who have experienced something similar, there are still unique cases and reactions and stresses. If there's one thing I can describe though it's how God has been the head of my treatment team for this entire process. I chose from the beginning to do whatever it took to get better. There were days that I didn't feel that way. There were days that I wanted to quit. There were days that I felt completely numb. But at the beginning and end of each day - I chose gratitude. Gratitude that I was able to take this time to seek treatment. Gratitude that I had a team of people working to help me get better. Gratitude that I was placed in an environment of genuine love and support. Gratitude for friends and family who really stepped up to encourage me during this time.

You would think that a believer would feel most grateful in seasons of blessings, but I often tend to be most grateful in seasons of hardship. The trials of this life remind me of the sovereignty of God, and cause me to fully and completely rely on Him for every ounce of power and strength.

For a long time I battled with where my faith fit into all of this. I had heard everything from "pray harder" to "you must not have a genuine heart of repentance" to "it's just a season and it will pass." All I could think was GOD, if you are the Ultimate Healer - why will you not bring healing? I couldn't see how me being sick could help at all. I realized over the past four weeks why God chose not to bring miraculous healing. He could have, sure, but as a loving Father He chose not to. He chose not to because in His loving kindness, the Lord has given us free will to make decisions. He doesn't control our every move and He doesn't make every decision for us. So yes, there are times where there are major consequences to certain decisions we make. Yet He is still a loving Father - and He journeys with us as we battle through those consequences. I was really sick, but by God's grace I was given the strength and power to make it through each day of treatment. I learned to love the process, as the process brought me even more deeply in love with the Lord. I learned so much about myself, about acceptance, about self-compassion, about grace and love and joy. I feel like I can live life for the first time in four years - and life is so much sweeter when you've gone so long not tasting it's fullness.

Sooo then of course here I am falling into my broken pattern of trying to plan my next steps. When I'm done here - what am I going to do? Where does God want me? Do I look for a job? Consider seminary? How can I take this all into my hands again?

Then I fell down.

Then I got back up.

Then I got on my knees.

And surrendered.

I had promised everyone that I would focus on recovery for at least four weeks. I went back on that and allowed my worries and anxiety get the best of me. See the thing is - when we mess up (which is often) it's OKAY. We are not perfect y'all. We're believers and we follow a perfect God, but we are not perfect. We all (hopefully) know this, but I'm realizing it's something I constantly have to remind myself. As a perfectionist I can often bring perfectionism, rigidity, and lack of forgiveness into my faith - and well, that's just counter-Gospel. I don't know if you've noticed but extreme perfectionism can lead to destruction. Striving for perfection within yourself, within your relationships, within your faith - it just never ends well.

Anyway, so I decided okay - I will pray about my next steps and look around a little bit but I will NOT allow this to take priority and I will NOT allow myself to worry about this. A few days later I talked to my treatment team and they told me that I would be discharged the following Friday (this was Wednesday I believe). I remember so many days thinking "how can I rush this process?" "When will this be over?" "I can't take this. I'm better! See...see??" Then I get the news of my discharge and I'm immediately rushed with all this nervousness and fear "What if I'm not better?" "No, I'm not ready! I'm not strong enough!" "Are you sure? Are you really really sure?"

I got home later that day, a little on edge but encouraged after talking to someone who assured me that a healthy amount of fear can take you a long way. So that night, I got an e-mail from a job that I had applied to. Fast forward through a bad night, a day of tears, a car accident, and Halloween....and it's the morning of the interview! I drove to Great Wall China Adoption, an international adoption agency headquartered in Austin and felt totally calm about everything. After all, an interview works both ways and I didn't know for sure if I wanted to work at this company. First of all, the company is in the beautiful hills of South Austin. I'm embarrassed to admit that I had never been to the 360 area much growing up...seriously, it's crazy beautiful. The mansions along the hillside, Town Lake to your right with the hills on your left, and the downtown skyline in the distance...yeah, it's pretty sweet.

Okay this is getting too detailed. BASICALLY, the company and job are absolutely perfect. It's a gorgeous area, beautiful office with marble floors and a wall-size mural of the Great Wall. An international non-profit with 15 offices worldwide, the top adoption agency in the country, and a brilliant and fun team of people. I immediately clicked with the Marketing team and Mrs. Snow Wu, the CEO and a powerhouse Chinese woman. Everything just felt so right. Intuition is just such a wonderful thing. It's like faith - you can't see it but you can feel it, and it's so much stronger than logic or reason. On Sunday, I had the most perfect day in Austin. North Austin and South-Central Austin are like two entirely different worlds. I was always anti-Austin because of growing up in Round Rock (North) but my goodness, treatment has been in the hills of Austin and I can SO understand now why everyone says it's the best place in the world to live...because well, it is. There is just so much to do, everyone is chill and awesome, and the Greenbelt, Barton Springs, Town Lake, Zilker, it's just an outdoor enthusiast's paradise.

So the night before my last day of treatment I got a phone call from Mrs. Snow Wu offering me the Marketing & Promotions Specialist position with Great Wall China Adoption. I got the phone call on my drive back home and literally cried the entire ride. It's just unbelievable. This time last year I felt God calling me to Hong Kong and I thought it was super random and faced a good amount of opposition for it. Even my time in Indiana at Fellowship Missions aligned so much with this job description. Then the series of events that allowed me for the first time to prioritize recovery, realizing that no matter what job or relationship I had I could never live a real life in the state that I was in. Now, I am healthy and so excited to settle in South Austin and pour into people in the workplace and the outside community - and it's only because I'm in recovery that I am confident I can now truly do that.

I appreciate anyone who read all of this! I pray that you all will choose to have an attitude of gratitude. Even when your situations don't seem to call for that. Or you don't necessarily feel thankful for what is going on. You can choose your attitude, which is far above your circumstances and your feelings, and deep rooted in your soul. When you choose gratitude - I promise that God will provide you with strength to get through every situation and hardship, wisdom and guidance to do His will, and the blessing of a life that is just so full and joyous and wonderful!

Once Upon A Lunch Date

Yesterday was a beautiful day.

You know, time can seem so short or long depending on our attitude. I have been convicted of this many a time in my own life. It's just interesting. How we can set off on a one-week mission trip and think "YES, I am going to build relationships, and love on kids, and work really hard, and change the WORLD." Then we go back home and back to our normal schedules and think "Well, I'm only here for one more week...there's obviously no point in building relationships or being intentional."

I've had this conversation with people. I've seen different attitudes. I've seen those who live on mission in their daily lives. I've seen others who I question if they've ever lived at all.. I think about my own story, I think about the one girl who God used to reach me - how He used her that day and how my life was radically transformed because of it. I think about how I mention her every time I tell my story; how her obedience created this incredible butterfly effect.

I think about how she had no idea.

See the thing is, it only took one lunch date for the Lord to use Alexa. My re-conversion story in a nutshell was that I was a lost freshman. I had gone through high school lost in partying and a destructive relationship; and by the end of it all I was ready for a fresh start. I was searching for the purpose of life, though I was pretty sure there was none.

My first week at college I was invited to a lifegroup. At that group, I listened to the leader of the group share her testimony. She talked about her past of depression and brokenness and the redemption she had found in Christ. Later that week, Alexa asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I don't even remember what our conversation was about, but I do remember the light of Christ that so clearly shined on the face of the girl sitting across from me. It was in that moment that God opened my heart to the purpose of life - the love and joy that only comes from knowing Jesus Christ. I never went back to Alexa's lifegroup, but a few days after that lunch date - alone, in the quiet of my dorm room, I re-dedicated my life to Christ.

A couple of years later the Lord called me to ministry and took me places I never would have imagined. I have come to know the intimate, precious love of Jesus. All because one girl decided to be obedient to the cross right where she was.

So that's when I was reminded - my goodness, our God is creative. He can use us in our homes, workplaces, and activities just as much as in the safaris of Africa. He can use us over the span of two years, in a one-hour lunch date, or in a thirty-second prayer.

I decided to message Alexa yesterday. The Lord kept placing this on my heart and I knew He wanted me to share. After all, I had talked about her to hundreds of people over the last several years - and she had no idea! The thing is, most of us will probably never see or know how God has used us, but better believe He does when we submit to His will and desire to glorify Him with our lives. That is faith. Trusting that the Lord is using you and not believing the lies that you are worthless or your life meaningless.

Love others. Be intentional. Right now. Right where you are. I know it's not easy - what is easy: waiting for marriage/career/being settled, laziness, self-centeredness, superficial relationships, walls around your heart, selfishness with your time, love of the world. BUT. We are called to be different. We are commanded to INSTEAD, love one another. “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:34-35).

"This message really re-envisioned me to just love the person in front of me and pursue relationship. I seriously feel encouraged to sow broadly and trust Jesus with the seeds that I sow." - Alexa Wible

Seek and You Will Find

So it's been awhile. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day who I hadn't talked to in about a month and I realized that all of my updates were completely opposite of what our conversation had been the time before. Time is funny. In the moment, days can sometimes fly by or drag on. Yet every time you look back you always think "man, where did the time go?" To say there have been a lot of changes in the past month would be a complete understatement. I used to think I thrive off of change... now it's starting to get a little old. Maybe I'm just getting old... Some of you probably resent me for that last line. Okay I have an old soul? Probably not even that. Okay this isn't even what this blog is about.

Back on track. I have had so many revelations the past few weeks it's crazy. I wish I could verbalize all of them in some nice bullet point list for everyone so that we could all grow together. Unfortunately, everything is already all jumbled in my mind again. I always think ah-ha! Lord, I UNDERSTAND - and then I'm onto another thought and another ah-ha moment. That's why I need to start writing things down again. I journal but this is just easier. Typing - much less tiresome and it seems it comes out more detailed.

Okay, if you are still reading this blog I applaud you because I probably would have given up on me along time ago because this is just a mess of sidetracks.

WELL, I just want to say that I really enjoy friendship. Just thinking about friendship - old friends and brand new ones - truly warms my heart. It's so clear to me that the Lord designed us to be in community. It's an inherent comfort for all of us to be genuinely loved and cared for by another human being. I love the friendships that just immediately click. The unique people that just bring out the best in you and who you feel you are better around. Last night, as I sat around the table with new friends Carrie and Dave on our new weekly dinner tradition I realized that they are true gifts! People who I am able to comfortably talk about discipleship and evangelism - who can question together what that looks like - and genuinely listen and respect each others' viewpoints. It was just beautiful y'all! Such a wonderful moment of experiencing the body of Christ in that little kitchen in Warsaw, IN.

So I realized that I have been chewing on something for the past several weeks and I finally feel compelled to share because...well, I just do. In the midst of major life decisions - career, relationship, recovery, location...okay wow basically any major decision you have to make I had to make the past few weeks so no wonder this was on my mind. So I was thinking about my ministry class and our discussion on the three different approaches to discerning God's will.

Okay friends. Yes, the topics of predestination and free will are messy topics. So does that mean we should never talk about them? Definitely not. On the contrary, I think it's really important that all believers actively evaluate what they believe on this topic because it influences your daily life and your major decisions A LOT. I also realized that majority of people don't necessarily get the opportunity to sit through a ministry class that challenges them to think through these things, so here we go - welcome to class.

Three Approaches (generalized definitions don't quote me on these):
1. Wisdom Approach - Basically leaves us on your own to make God-honoring decisions based off of the Bible and seeking wise counsel from others.
2. Specific-Will Approach - A popular choice of modern churches, this shifts the workload to the Lord who has determined our precise path - and all we have to do is find it.
3. Relationship Approach - This recognizes that God is intimately involved in our lives and yet limits his control in such a way that requires us to take responsibility for decisions. He provides us guidance while in relationship with us to be able to make decisions that will be God-honoring.

So what do you believe?

The tricky part: all of these approaches have Scripture to back them up. The other tricky part: certain ideology has been engrained in those of us who grew up in the church. In fact, our Sunday School lesson for the pre-schoolers this past Sunday was "God has a unique plan for your life." I sat there and watched as all the kids repeated that lesson. Unfortunately, I couldn't repeat it with them.

I think of it in regards to the crucifixion - God's sovereign plan was to send His son to die on the cross and be raised from the grave the third day. That was going to happen, that was set from the beginning of time. But was Peter chosen before birth to be the one who walked on the water? Was Paul pre-destined to oppose Jesus only to be transformed later on the road to Damascus? Or did the Lord allow those things to happen as circumstances unveiled and He saw that the Kingdom could be glorified through that?

I'm not telling you to think either which way. To be honest, I have at one point in my life believed all three of these approaches. Either way though, it is good to pray and discern what you believe because it will majorly influence your decisions and how you respond to others' advice as well. Unfortunately, when others tell me "If you guys break up it's okay because the Lord is just bringing you closer to the person He has chosen for you," well I'd have to disagree...because I don't think it works that way. I could tell you all my beliefs, but let's face it this blog is already long and jumbled and most of you are probably already lost.

Moral of the story is - don't run from the things that scare you. Yes, theology can be overwhelming - but does that mean we shouldn't seek to grow in our understanding? Yes, evangelism can be scary and uncomfortable - does that mean we shouldn't spread the Gospel? Yes, vulnerable relationships can hurt you but does that mean we should never let others in? We will never understand everything, and at some point or another we will probably stand more as barriers to the Gospel then pathways - but that doesn't mean God wants us to stand paralyzed. Keep on keeping on, challenge your mind, and seek His face - for those who ask it will be given and for those who seek will find.

 

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7.

Joy in Uncertainty

It’s funny when we reflect on the past isn’t it? I was thinking about how much my life and circumstances have evolved and changed. If you told me last year that I would be living in Indiana and working at a homeless shelter I probably would have laughed. If you told me that over that year I would study in Hong Kong, visit an orphanage in the Philippines, backpack China with my sister, and maintain a long-distance relationship through it all – I probably would have laughed even more.

When I think about that, the fact that I would have NEVER guessed or even imagined what the Lord had in store for me last year I am reminded how God’s plans are so above my own. I like to think I can plan my whole life out. I like to think I can conquer this imaginary timeline of when I’m supposed to have what in my life. I like to think I can figure it all out and make the world believe I have it all together.

 

That's probably the funniest part!

The other night I was lying on the floor of my room and it struck me that I was really confused. I was reminded that I really don’t understand a lot of things. I don’t even understand myself a lot of the time – my up and down emotions, fleeting thoughts, and changing desires. In conclusion, I don’t know much of anything at all.

But my God is the God of the universe! We say this a lot, but really. The UNIVERSE. I remember learning about the universe in school and always feeling frustrated that I couldn’t wrap my head around the speed of a light-year or the size of a supergiant star. Our brains aren’t even capable of understanding the elements of God’s creation. We can grow in understanding, can learn the stories of the Bible and experience God’s love and grace – but let’s face it, we'll never fully understand the magnitude of God’s sovereignty. And the thing is, we're not created to. That's the beautiful design of the universe and the earth and all that lives within it, it is forever under the rule of it's Creator.

 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the
purpose of the Lord  that will stand. Proverbs 19:21
 

It is good for me to stop and to remember the reality of this. We always say “God’s plan is so much bigger than our own” but really – there is so much truth in that. When it comes down to it, this life is not about me or what I desire. I can barely guess what tomorrow holds or the next year, much less the rest of my life.

 

We sure do like to try and figure it out though, don’t we? I wonder if God laughs at how much we exhaust ourselves to figure out something we do not even control. I laugh at myself when I realize just how silly that is.

So I surrender. To His plans which are so above my own. To His sovereign knowledge. To His love that overcomes and His power that triumphs. I may know nothing, but I know a God who knows all  – and that truth brings joy and victory in every uncertainty.

 

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty,
for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you
are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all.
In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to
give strength to all. 1 Chronicles 29:11-12

Devotion to Uniqueness

I like to please people. I thrive off of the approval of others. I say my love language is words of affirmation, but I realize I often rely on that affirmation to feel worthy or successful. I pinch and poke at myself wanting to have the body I'm told I should have. I strive to figure out Scripture and what it means so I can have some logical breakdown of exactly how I should behave.

So I have these tendencies. After being back in America for two months, I'm reminded how much stronger these tendencies become here. The thing is - I've had this realization before. It's not something new or shocking, I knew this would happen. I expected it. So why am I finding myself still falling into this? I'm slowly falling back into the person I used to be - obsessed with physical appearance, comparing myself to every other person in the room, envying others for what they have, and allowing greed to convince me that I want and need more, more, more.

I could probably blame a lot of external factors for all of these shortcomings. I could easily blame Pinterest for envy, American media for greed, and Facebook for social comparison. I could blame the church for emphasizing teachings on prosperity and peace; and abandoning teachings on fear and judgment. I could blame the people around me for falling into the same things, for not pushing one another more fiercely towards Christ, for not inspiring me to change.

I could blame a lot of things, but the truth is it's me.

It is true that what we allow into our lives can deeply influence how we behave, how we speak, what we think, and what we will become. Ultimately though, we choose what we allow - we choose what we submit to - and we choose what we dedicate our lives to.

That's when I came to Romans 12, what did my version of the Bible decide to title this morning's reading? Just happened to be "Dedicate Your Lives to God." I would suggest everyone go and read this chapter. It is just good. It is just so so good. And I was reminded in this piece of Scripture how fleeting our lives are and the world that we live in - and how eternal God's word is. You guys! His word stays the same now and forever. In a world that is always changing, with technology that moves frighteningly fast, 24 hour news covering changes that happen every minute, and fashion that evolves with every season - we can't comprehend a God and His promises that are never-changing, permanent, and eternal. I know I can't comprehend it.

"Don't become like the people of this world. Instead, change the way you think." Romans 12:2

I wish I could give you some cool quote on how many times the Bible says "change the way you think" but I can't. All I know is I seem to run into it quite a bit. We are told to live apart from the world - so why are we striving to please it? WHY the heck am I wasting my time and energy trying to figure out the best exercises to get perfect inner thighs and the best products for perfect-looking hair? Don't get me wrong, I believe in self-care...but let's be real, we spend wa-hay too much time on this stuff. This stuff that is just SO fleeting, of NO worth to God, and not affecting ANYONE but yourself.

So maybe it's time to start paying more attention to God's word, let's see what Romans 12 says:

"I ask you not to think of yourselves more highly than you should." (v. 3)

"Don't be lazy in showing your devotion. Use your energy to serve the Lord." (v. 11)

"Don't think that you are smarter than you really are." (v. 16)

"Focus your thoughts on things that are considered noble." (v. 17)

Hm. You know, the saddest part for me in all of this is not necessarily over-consumption or materialism or obsession with physical appearance. I guess the saddest part is that we have allowed this world to brainwash us into thinking there are only certain kinds of worth. We degrade ourselves because we believe certain things are better to have than others. The man who owns a large home is more successful than the one who humbly leads a large family. The woman who owns the best brands and high-end items is "better off" than the woman who can knit and create her own clothes. The student who earns a PhD is more intelligent than the one who dropped out of school to master their artwork or music.

The thing is - never in Scripture are we told that certain gifts are better than others. On the contrary, we are told that we are one body. We are to cherish each others gifts, not judge some as better than others.

"Christ makes us one body and individuals who are connected to each other.

God in his kindness gave each of us different gifts." (v. 5)

"Be devoted to each other like a loving family.

Excel in showing respect for each other." (v. 10)

I'm so bad at appreciating the diversity of God's body. I so badly want to have one formula for how to be, one formula for how to do things. The fact that there are so many different types of people and ways to do life poses an additional challenge for us as believers. We are not to expect others to be gifted in the way that we deem admirable. Likewise, we are not to place an expectation on ourselves to fit the mold of what others place on us. In both ways I fall short.

This morning I was reminded. I was reminded that I am not here to dedicate my life, my time, my energy to the world. I am here to dedicate my life to God and with that comes the devotion to the unique gifts that God has given me and devotion to uplifting others in the unique gifts given to them. So let's not cut ourselves short, expecting each other to fit into one similar mold. That's boring anyway; and I think if you were to look at God's creation - His crafting of diverse people groups, thousands of unique species, a majestic universe - I think you'll see that His plan was never meant to be mainstream or boring.

"If your gift is speaking what God has revealed, make sure what you say agrees with the Christian faith. If your gift is serving, then devote yourself to serving. If it is teaching, devote yourself to teaching. If it is encouraging others, devote yourself to giving encouragement. If it is sharing, be generous. If it is leadership, lead enthusiastically. If it is helping people in need, help them cheerfully." (v. 6-8)

So what are your gifts? And where is your devotion?

The Gift of Weakness

I haven't written in awhile. Figuring out this real world thing has been a challenge. The notion of time is so different than what I am accustomed to. There are so many less responsibilities to balance without school, and yet time still seems to fly by. They say the first year after graduation is the hardest, just like the first year of college was, how the first year of marriage will be. I can see the truth in that. Your whole life you are practically placed around people who are your same age, in the same life stage - you're practically handed community on a platter. But that's not the case after school, you realize that you're surrounded by people who are in completely different life stages, from different areas and backgrounds, with different beliefs and interests - it's a challenge.

All in all, I have nothing to complain about and can honestly say the first couple of months of life post-grad has been actually really wonderful! But come on, who doesn't have momentary lapses of loneliness or weakness?

So if you don't already know, I'm not a very emotional person. I consider it a curse really, because I think tears are really beautiful - a unique way to celebrate joy and true sadness, but they just don't come out of me even when I want them to. Except for the other day, while on the phone with my mother. I started venting about different things going on and opening up about my experience within this stage of transitioning. When all of a sudden, the girl who never cries starts to SOB. About what you ask? ...About the fact that I feel that I am beginning to lose my communication skills. Yes, I know - a huge tragedy indeed. Okay, it sounds completely silly BUT musicians have music, businessman have persuasion, videographers have creativity, and I have words, communication. I have always felt that writing and speaking were my gifts, the words that perfectly matched what I was thinking or feeling just came out of nowhere, naturally and easily. But the past few weeks I feel myself beginning to slip, the words just don't come, the confidence in my speech has been waning (so if this blog is completely lacking there's the reason why). And that's that. I felt God was taking away my spiritual gift, but my mom gave me a whole load of other things to think about - how maybe He is growing me in my empathy for those who struggle with words or has a different gift in store for this next stage of my life...mothers are always so good at shedding a positive light aren't they?

So then earlier today I began reflecting on the biggest weakness in my life. This is one I do not share to the world - hey we have to keep some things private! In a nutshell, it is something I have struggled with for a long time now. This weakness/struggle/whatever you want to call it is a constant source of frustration and shame and disappointment for me in my life. I have prayed and prayed for healing in this area. I have sought outside help and practiced surrender and I continue to experience this weakness. WHY. I think "God why? It would be better for You and for me to not have this struggle. It is not good. It is not righteous. It does not bring you glory. Why why why?!"

And then I decided to watch a sermon from Island ECC, my church while in Hong Kong, and I got my answer. I am going to share with you my takeaways from the message. I don't claim the words/thoughts to be my own but thought I would share because it's just too good not to.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

A lot of times we like to pick and choose what we read in the Bible and what we will apply to our lives. "I came that they may have life and have life abundantly" (John 10:10) is an easy one to grasp isn't it? How about: "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," (Jeremiah 29:11)...We sure do like those. But others are a little bit more difficult aren't they? We like that His grace is sufficient, but we get to the "my power is made perfect in weakness" and we don't really like that. Because we're more prone to say "What I want you to do God, is that I want you to showcase your awesomeness in my victories. I want you to bless my life and here's the deal God - I promise to give you the glory, I'll give you all the credit. I want to win the award, get the promotion, earn the big house and at the end I promise to say 'I want to thank God..'"

...But sometimes God's like, ehhh..yeah no. Paul says "I will boast more gladly of my weaknesses." There is something about weaknesses that humbles us. That's nothing new though, we hear that all the time, right? We learn to promise that we will praise God in seasons of blessings and hardships - but what about the weaknesses that last for much longer than just a season? We hear these crazy testimonies about people who overcame tremendous things - we hear about people who were paralyzed from the neck down or lost an arm or leg and come out praising the Lord. And we applaud and say "wow, that's wonderful....for you...buuuut that's not necessarily the kind of gift I want." But wait a second, are we not told to BOAST in our weaknesses?

"Cease striving and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

We recognize our weaknesses, just like I recognize this struggle I have and I strive and I strive to get better, to pray for healing, to work and work to beat this thing - but what does the Bible say? It says to cease striving. That's not to say we are not to pray for revival in our weaknesses. On the contrary, God desires to hear from us, He desires to have us lift up our struggles - but through that we must realize that God CAN say "yes," He CAN say "not now," AND He can say "NO." Even Jesus asked God to lift the cup of suffering from him - but asked that ultimately God's will would be done. And in the end, God said "No." Because He would be most glorified through that No. God CAN showcase His power through our weaknesses, even if we would prefer He showcase His righteousness through our victories. He may choose to use sickness in my life in ways that can bring Him glory better than my health. To experience His enduring grace, the grace that is sufficient for me - learning to surrender is my best option.

So here I am. At the foot of the cross again. Daily having to choose to be here - in sickness or in health, in victory or defeat, with flowing communication or jumbled words...in everything. For God gives me what I need to endure - and if that means my weaknesses make His victory sweeter - than so be it.

A Page From My Journal

Reflection.

Thinking a lot lately about feeling discontent - already realizing I use the excuse that I "thrive off change" but maybe that's just me always running from the inevitable discontent that comes once the newness fades.

How do we discern God's will versus selfish motivations? We can so easily get caught up thinking we're somehow more "spiritual" that we slowly begin to take things back into our own hands again; and we deceive ourselves into thinking we somehow have it figured out because we are followers of God.

We must continually learn to die to ourselves. Every day. And when we finally begin to think we've mastered it - how to selflessly pursue righteousness, then we should start over again. Because we are broken and righteousness is impossible a task to master on our own, or by our own works.

So where does that leave me in the chase for contentment? It leaves me at square one. At the cross with nothing to give as God opens my eyes to see that the only good in me is from Him. It's something that can so easily be covered by my self-sufficiency and made-up self-righteousness.

For once, I'll stop dwelling on what happens next. I'll stop over-reflecting, asking WHY I feel discontent. And I'll just let go, give it to God, and move on. Focusing not on self but on dying to that self, one day at a time.

AmeriCorps, Poverty, and a Pinch of Inspiration

I am officially an AmeriCorps Vista member! After four days of training in Indianapolis me and my fellow Vistas publicly took our oath of office - the same one verbalized by the president of the United States! So official. Really though, training was such a cool opportunity to be surrounded by like-minded people who have decided to devote the next year to joining the battle against poverty in communities all over the country.

My thoughts were running wild from the start, when our first training session had us answer two simple, but difficult questions: What is poverty, and what causes poverty? As we went around the circle and all described our personal definitions of poverty and its causes, I realized that I am limited by an international mindset when it comes to poverty. I have met more people who are happy and impoverished than those who are happy and extremely wealthy. But that's not the case in America, because if you think about it, those who are in poverty in America are constantly faced with the realization that they are impoverished. Surrounded by media that defines a person's identity and value by their material possessions, disregarded by the wealthy by being labeled "lazy" or "unintelligent," discouraged by those who only see what they lack and expect nothing more of them then the situations they are currently in.


The poor in America have it rough.
So what are we doing about it?

If there is one thing I've noticed, it's our limited mindset on how we define poverty. It is easy to stereotype and judge, and that's something I understand - because I've done it. It is easy to quickly label the homeless as lazy and drunk. It is easy to judge those in poverty as uneducated, unmotivated, undetermined, and all sorts of other "un's." But it's simply not true. The fact is, there are thousands of middle-class families only a paycheck away from being considered impoverished; one of the largest populations of the homeless are our nation's veterans; and a large majority of those in poverty have master's degrees.

Poverty is so much more than just lack-of material resources. The book that best helped broaden my understanding of poverty was When Helping Hurts. It describes poverty by four broken relationships:

"Poverty of Spiritual Intimacy: denying God’s existence and authority, materialist

Poverty of Being:  having god-complexes (thinking too highly of oneself) or low self-esteem (thinking too lowly of oneself)

Poverty of Community:  self-centeredness, exploitation and abuse of others

Poverty of Stewardship:  no sense of purpose, laziness or workaholics, materialism"

  

Any of those strike a chord with you? We are all impoverished in some sense. Understanding poverty by broken relationships helps teach us how to serve others without that classic savior mentality. When it comes down to it, poverty can be defined as a mindset of hopelessness and shame that comes from lack of opportunity and a low sense of self-worth.

46 million Americans live in poverty

So I ask it again - what are we doing?

And Jesus said to His disciples, "Truly I say to you, it is hard for

a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:23

Jesus says it will be hard for a rich man to enter the Kingdom. Let's face it - that means us. Even the impoverished of America are rich by world standards. So when the members of our upper-class churches tend to lean more towards the habit of judging rather than uplifting, condemning rather than loving, critiquing negatives rather than acknowledging positives - just what are we doing?

The Lord commands us to "be angry and do not sin" (Eph 4:26). We are to be angry about the injustices of this world. That includes the orphans of third world countries, just as much as the homeless in our own backyards, welfare communities, and minorities of all kinds; groups of people we are all too often quick to condemn.

We should be encouraging, showing people their positives and building their confidence, instilling love and hope, and sharing the truth of God's grace that places a crown on us who are but dust. It is the Lord who sits on the judgment seat, not us, and for that - I am truly grateful.



My Sunshine

On behalf of every man, looking out for every girl,

you are the god and the weight of her world.

So fathers be good to your daughters,

daughters will love like you do.

My dad and I used to sing a lot of songs. I'm not really sure how it all started, but we would sing old songs on our way to school, before bed, and on our many trips to the grocery store. I sang those songs to him many times after he was sick, even when he couldn't hear or understand. I refused to sing them after his death. And now I'm finally at a place where I can sing them happily with joy and remembrance.

I was always a daddy's girl. He took the term "Superdad" to a whole new level. A military veteran, hockey player, and mechanical engineer; my dad was a man. After taking an early-retirement he stepped up to become a stay-at-home dad while my mom went to work. He did all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and driving for our family. Ladies, they say you tend to choose a husband who's like your father...this man has much to live up to.

I have so many memories of being daddy's little princess; everything from throwing a fit when he didn't invite me to get my mom's surprise birthday cake, to cuddling in bed with him to watch National Geographics, to having him drive all the way to school to bring me a forgotten cheerleading scrunchie. I was his baby and he was my "pilot," "policeman," "superhero" and a variety of other random nicknames I gave him. I'll admit, I was completely and utterly spoiled by him. Everyday, my dad would personally come and wake me up; I would walk out into the kitchen where my cereal, milk, and orange juice were all set out and ready for me; and then would be driven to school each and every morning. I relied on him for everything.

So at 2am on my 14th birthday, when my dad fell to the ground and experienced a major seizure right in front of me, I just lost it. I remember calling 911 as my brother held my dad and my sister stood in shock, I remember meeting the paramedics and praying all the way to the hospital. Afterwards, we were told that my dad had severe blood hemorrhaging on the left hemisphere of his brain and had to undergo emergency brain surgery. At 14, I didn't understand the magnitude of major brain surgery. It wasn't until a visit to the ICU when I saw dad with tubes and wires everywhere and his body hooked up to a machine that I realized he might never fully come back.

For two years, my dad went in and out of almost 10 rehabilitation centers. My mom and I slept in the hospital each night as dad re-learned how to breathe, talk, and eat. I could go on and on about those two years. The pure joy of watching him take his first steps after every doctor said he'd never walk again. The misery of a legal case that landed him mistakenly into a mental hospital. The responsibility of tying his arm restraints, transporting him to his wheelchair, and dressing him. The need to hold it together while everything and everyone seemed to be falling apart.

After a year and a half of rehabilitation, dad was readmitted home. I thought for a second that he might actually have a full recovery when I got off the bus and saw him standing in the front window waiting, just like he did when I was younger. He was re-admitted to the hospital after only a few months when his health began declining again. When he caught pneumonia a couple of days later, the doctors told us that he only had a few weeks - I denied it. They had said he would never walk again and look how he defied those odds. We had come so far, there was just no way. On the morning of Mother's Day I went to work and then met my mom and sister for dinner. In the middle of dinner, my mom got a call. The rest was fuzzy from there. I remember driving to the center and thinking they were wrong. My dad was a fighter, my superman, they had to be wrong. But when we walked into the room, it was obvious - he was gone. One thing that might not surprise you about me... I'm not a silent mourner. I started yelling at the nurses, why weren't they doing anything?! Call 911 - Do something! Only to find out that my mom had signed the papers "DNR" - do not resuscitate. She hadn't even talked to me about it, how could she?! I just remember screaming and screaming, realizing there was absolutely nothing I could do. Finally my sister told me to calm down and say goodbye.

The 5 stages of mourning are pretty accurate, I'm pretty sure I went through them all at one point or another. I remember the community. I remember those who brought us meals, friends who brought flowers, pastors who told us to ask for anything we might need. I'll admit I resented it all. All I could think was "you don't understand, you just don't." I remember feeling like I didn't need or want anything from anyone.

Death is a funny thing. We all know it's there. We know it will happen to all of us. Dad was a believer, and even knowing about Heaven I just couldn't handle it all. It's like we know, but we don't. We've experienced it to an extent, but it has this strange power over us all that is unexplainable. We feel like no one else in the world understands, and yet almost everyone has experienced it in some way.

In the years following my dad's death I denounced a lot of my values and beliefs almost completely. Cheerleading had taught me well how to hide my true feelings and put on a show. So when I did have sorrowful moments I think a lot of people took that as a stuck-up attitude. Maybe it was partly true, not that I thought I was better but just that I did resent a lot of those people who did have their mom and dad, while I pretended to be okay with not. I'm just now learning how many of my actions were probably me seeking to fill a void with the broken cisterns of this world rather than the living water of Christ. I didn't find the real saving grace of Jesus until my first year of college. Even then I've had ups and downs, seasons of depression, and plenty of spiritual warfare. There are still so many things I struggle with, but you know, I think I've finally reached the last stage - Acceptance.

For anyone who had the opportunity to know my dad you might notice that I am so much like him. I thirst for knowledge like his strange love affair with National Discovery, I'm an early riser, I can be weird and goofy but serious and deep, I drink a glass of water before bed every night because my dad would always make me, I like to sing even though I'm not good at it, and cuddle with those who I hold closest to my heart. When my dad was in the hospital, I would sing to him all the time.

 

"You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away"

My sun now shines with the grace of my Heavenly Father and the remembrance of my Earthly one. The Lord promises to walk with us through the darkest valleys and carry us over the tallest mountains, and that my friends is a reason to sing... in every circumstance.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

he refreshes my soul.

 

He guides me along the right paths

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk

through the darkest valley,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me;

your road and your staff,

they comfort me.

 

You prepare a table before me

in the presence of my enemies.

You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

 

Surely your goodness and love will follow me

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

 

Psalm 23

False World ---> Real World

I realized something today. I think it's something I've known all along but was totally in denial about. There was always a little tug on my heart that this whole social media ordeal was getting a little out of hand in my life. I had recognized it, felt convicted about it, and even considered acting on it...but next thing you know I'm back on Facebook before even thinking twice about it.

Well, that was before...and this is now. I always say at the start of each new stage "this is it, I am going to turn over a new leaf" and all sorts of ideas run through my mind - I'm going to go organic, learn an instrument, learn how to cook, and maybe even pick up crafting or crochet. Then that next stage begins and I get stuck in the same ol rut, wondering what the heck happened to all those big dreams and ambitions.

But today I had a revelation. Often times, our dreams go unrealized because we chose to focus on something else instead. We all know that when we give time to one thing, then we are giving up time to something else. Which is why balance/wholeness is so important a thing to strike in life (and a continual process to master indeed). When I stopped and thought about all the things I'd love to let go of and new things I'd like to embrace in this new stage of life, I began to reflect on what things may stand in my way.

It was today that it hit me the one thing that sucks up SO much of my time. It was a typical study day, I was in the library looking through flashcards and highlighting notes when I took my usual Facebook study break. I mindlessly wandered through the status updates and the various people who were updating me on what food they just ate or song they just listened to...when I came to a photo posted by a girl. It caught my eye because she was with a group of friends and I had to do a double-take, because frankly...it didn't look like her much at all. It was a nice picture and everything, but it just looked nothing like her! So that's when it hit me. I had heard it plenty of times before - that Facebook has turned into a false reality where people allow themselves to fall into social comparison, envy, and mindless gazing. In my sociology class, we talked about social media and isolationism - how in this new age people are ironically "connected" in mutual loneliness. We all talk over our phones or computers, while we sit at home alone. In this ever-connected world, studies show that isolation and depression are rising, number of authentic friendships are declining, and our perception of true reality is becoming more and more distorted.

A few weeks ago our pastor preached on the sin of envy. He gave an example of seeing a photo on facebook of a family on vacation. In the photo, a perfect looking family is smiling into the camera as they all pose with skis in front of beautiful, snow-covered mountains. There we are, sitting at our desks or in our rooms gazing at this perfect looking family and envying their perfect looking life. But what we don't see, are the 10 other photos taken where dad was looking away, the boy picking his nose, and the girl whining about wanting food. Of course, out of all the photos the very best one is chosen and then posted on Facebook. There's nothing wrong with that, but there is a danger to it. We allow ourselves to compare the mundane of our "right now," to the "best" of another; and slowly but surely our appreciation wanes and our envy rises.

Now maybe this is only a problem for me. I've always fallen into social comparison and have had perfectionist qualities, so I'm not going to bash on everyone as if they can't use Facebook in a healthy way. I'll admit there are many things that are wonderful about social media. The original idea of being able to stay connected with distant loved ones or give updates to busy friends was an awesome idea; and it can be a very beautiful communication tool! And of course, as a Corporate Communications major and a future Publicity Coordinator I recognize the true value of networking and marketing that can come from social media.

But for me, it's just become too controlling over my life. When I had my iPhone, I would wake up and before even getting out of bed, would check my e-mail and facebook on my phone. Every few hours I would check for updates. Some nights, I would spend hours messaging people or uploading photos. There were times that I realized I was taking a photo not necessarily to catch the moment, but with the idea that I wanted to do this certain pose or this certain shot SPECIFICALLY with a Facebook status or new cover photo in mind. I don't know, it just seems wrong to me. Social media can be awesome if we have control over it. If we use it to truly connect with those we love and to keep in touch with real friendships. The danger is when social media begins having control over us. When we begin living our lives according to what we want to project in a false world. When we substitute real community for online community. When we compare our real lives with the projected and edited image of others' lives. When we allow hours of our day to go toward sitting infront of a computer mindlessly gazing or comparing instead of actually living and spending time in real relationship.

Like I said, I hate to be a harsh critic - but I am only describing what has happened in my own life and which I have decided has gone too far. I am ending one season of my life, and beginning a new one - in the "real world" and I've decided I want that world to be as real as possible. For me, that means letting go of the false world that I have created through Facebook. I'll be deleting my old one where I have 1200 "friends" and 1000s of photos for everyone to see every detail of my life. Instead, I'll be re-creating a new facebook community and restoring what social media is best used for - updating and staying in touch with those who I am closest to in my life and who would be difficult to speak to outside of face-to-face interaction or phone/e-mail. I will still be updating my blog as I love to write and share revelations - so you can follow me if you want to still read them :) Finally, for those who genuinely want to stay connected with me but who might not be my closest friends or family I love e-mails and have created a new one -- secaldwell@outlook.com - I would love to stay in contact!

The sad thing about all of this, is that even as I type this I continue to have internal objections of deleting my facebook. When I first realized I needed to stop this nonsense I had ALL these opposing thoughts come up in my mind. "Well, it's the new age you have to stay up with the times," "It's your major and future career, you need to keep your presence," "It broadens the scope of influence," "It can encourage others through statuses or messages." So on and so forth. But I realized, despite all those points, that when it comes down to it - all those objections are more of an ideal than a reality. While it would be nice to think I have more control over Facebook then it does over me, I would be kidding myself. I'll still use social media for my future work responsibilities, and to update close friends and family on my new facebook; but this is me taking back control over a powerful force than can so easily become more destructive than beneficial.

In this next stage, I probably still won't "turn over a new leaf" in all the ways that I imagine. But I know this is a step in the right direction. I can now focus more on the fulfillment of real community; become better aware of my real identity apart from it being an edited projection or compared with someone else's; take photos for my enjoyment and not just for social media; and have the time to do those small things I've always wanted to do - like learn how to play guitar, begin crafting, or join a yoga class. The possibilities are endless and I'm excited to live under a rock of old-fashioned, non-social media livin :)

Disclaimer - If you know me at all you know I'm a communicator! If you truly want to stay in touch with me, then I mean it when I say I truly want you to send me your e-mail or number and we can continue to grow and stay updated in real friendship!

I would also encourage you all to reflect on what role social media plays in your life, and how present you are in your day-to-day relationships. Remember, the Lord didn't make social media and anything man-made should definitely be taken with precaution! Judge your actions not by the world's standards but by the standards of Christ who sought authentic relationships and truth and commands us to seek Him as we make our number one aim to lead a life not of online presence, or personal recognition, or gaining acceptance from others; but in growing in righteousness in a way that best serves God and others.

Fruits of the Spirit

So much of life is awareness and response. I've been having really bad chest pains and this morning I was feeling miserable in every way. I dug into the Word but was still feeling down and in pain. I went about my normal routine, getting ready, making breakfast, packing my bag to go to the library...when I heard the Lord telling me to STOP. I wasn't feeling good and I shouldn't just ignore that. I needed to stop to be aware - not just of my own body but of the presence of the Lord in the midst of this hurt. So I laid on my bed and closed my eyes, and it was in this moment when I was able to hear God, feel His presence, and be reminded of the fruits of His Spirit. 

See, when you accept the Lord there should be transformation. We know this, right? When you accept Christ into your heart, He then resides IN you. Your body is made His temple and the Spirit fills you. So, when you hear Christians describe the love and peace that comes in knowing God it's to this reference of God's residence within them. Now, these fruits of the Spirit are definitely much more than just feelings. Trust me, there are many many times that I do not necessarily feel peace or hope, and I know there are many many times that I do not properly extend love or kindness.

So, it was within my moment of awareness before God that I received the revelation that I do indeed have ALL of the fruits of righteousness. I haven't received them by anything I have done or achieved, but simply because of the unconditional love and grace of Christ who has placed His Spirit inside of ME! Phew. What a thought. So if the Spirit resides in me, and His presence is everlasting that means in every circumstance and despite whatever feeling I DO have:

love - joy - peace - forbearance - kindness - 
goodness - faithfulness - gentleness - and self control. 

Praise the Lord! 

So why do we not always see these qualities in believers if they are there? Why do we fail to represent love at times? Or self-control? If the Spirit resides in us and therefore we have these qualities within us - where are they?! 

I imagine a big ol pit in the ground. In the depths of our hearts is the Spirit and the fruits of righteousness, but we often separate ourselves from the Spirit. We pile on all this dirt - junk like shame, hurt, legalism, perfectionism, so on and so forth that buries the Lord far away from us. Then before you know it, we're wondering where the fruit of the Spirit is in our lives OR even in times when we do remember, we become discouraged - for yes that fulfilling fruit of the Spirit is there - we remember it - but it's dug alllll the way down there, under all that dirt; and frankly we're too tired or even too scared to have to dig through it all. 

So we just ignore it. We see the dirt (being our lack of intimacy with the Lord), and we feel the pain that comes from the dirt...but we just go on with our routines. We go to the gym, make breakfast, read our Bibles, go to work or school, spend time with friends, and go to bed. We let the dirt sit there until one day the dirt starts to take a toll. In our routines marked by self-sufficiency and separation from the Spirit, we forget about the fruit of intimacy that comes with knowing the Lord. Then the Lord, out of His compassion and kindness, sees that there MUST be some kind of trigger to pull His child out of this rut called "routine." Whether that comes in the form of illness, or a break up, or loss of a job, or whatever; we are finally brought to an awareness through this trigger that brings us to realize the presence of the Lord - who offers to walk with us to work through all that dirt, who promises the fruit of that Spirit if we turn our eyes from our numbing routines and re-direct ourselves, instead, to discovering a greater intimacy with the Lord and His Spirit. 

Sometimes, it's that first step - just awareness. Awareness that you HAVE the fruits of the Spirit! No you won't always feel it, no it won't always be evident; but when you are aware that these things DO reside in you:

love - joy - peace - forbearance - kindness - 
goodness - faithfulness - gentleness - and self control.

There is then an eagerness to respond. No, I might not feel peace right now - but you know what, I DO have peace. I may fail every day to practice self control, but I DO have self-control. I will fall short in extending love, kindness, and gentleness to myself and others; but I DO have love and kindness and gentleness. 

I DO have these things, for these are the fruits of the Spirit which reside in ME! I am aware of these fruits and I claim these fruits. I am aware that greater intimacy with the Lord allows me to better respond to these fruits in my life, and for others to see them too; so Lord create a response in me. 

I dare you to practice awareness - to stop placing God in a box or a routine. To extend your prayers past meal times and bed time, and communicate with the Lord throughout the entire day. Be aware of His all-encompassing presence within your daily, menial tasks. Respond to the fruits of the Spirit, for God is yearning for you to experience their sweetness.